The Sharpest Wild Goose Chase
by Daemi Charonte
Summary: Lovino gets drunk and decides to send Antonio on a wild goose chase through caves, Frenchmen, and a Prussian with a turban for no apparent reason. So much crack and they're OOC, reasoning inside. A bit of suggestive stuff at the end. You are warned.


warnings: Random crack, language, a little emo but switches back to crack, and a bit of suggestive content at the end. Plus there will be turbans. ^J^ disclaimer: I dont own hetalia or the song. sadly enough. Hetalia belongs to the amazing authors.  
And the song belongs to My Chemical Romance. (song is called The Sharpest Lives) But enjoy this random bit of crackness that is called spamano. (Yes I know Lovino is OOC, we'll just say that he got into some crack. Antonio is OOC as a result of Lovino's OOC-ness)  
Sincerely, RussianSnow _  
The rain pounded on the rooftop when there was a knock on the door. Antonio put down the dishes he was washing and ran to answer the door. He pulled it open to reveal a soaked to the bone Lovino, "Lovi, what the hell are you doing here?

"Never mind that can I stay here tonight? I don t want to go home and face my grandfather and Feliciano is at that potato bastard s house tonight. He looked dazed and a sudden thought as to why hit me.

"Are you drunk?" Antonio leaned down and brought Lovino s head up. He smelled the bitter and mildly sweet scent on his breath. He was confused for Lovino never drinks and if he does, never enough to get incredibly drunk

"What's the issue?" Lovino pushed past Antonio and into the living room falling onto the couch. He grabbed the blanket kept there and covered his body. With a stunned look Antonio closed the door and turned off the lights seeing as Lovino had already fallen asleep.  
_

The next morning Antonio awoke to find it still raining and Lovino was nowhere to be found in the house. As he looked he found a note taped to the front door. It read:  
I've really been, on a bender and it shows. So why don t you blow me, a kiss before she goes?' Underneath there was a ticket for a show that started soon.

"Lovino, what are you doing?" Grabbing his jacket, Antonio ran out the door into the pouring rain. He ran all the way to the theater that was hosting the show, gave the man his ticket, and went inside to find a bar and a small stage set up with a lot of people milling about. He walked up to the bar and sat down.

"You Antonio?" the bartender asked. Antonio nodded slightly and the bartender handed him a shot glass with a piece of paper taped to it. "Some Italian man wanted me to give this to you." Antonio pulled the paper off. He sighed as he read it: Give me a shot to remember, and you can take all the pain away from me.

"Tu estupido, Lovi," Antonio muttered thanking the bartender and giving him a tip as he heard footsteps approaching. Bonjour Antonio! He turned to find his old time friend Francis. Ah, it seems your little tomato has sent you on a little hunt, oui? Can you please come with me my little Spaniard? He walked until they went around the giant stage. Soon they came to a little door off to the it he gestured for Antonio to go inside. Antonio gulped and walked inside Francis closing the door behind them. He walked a little farther and turned on a light switch revealing a small beaded doorway.

"Just back there, you have a friend waiting for you." Francis stepped back out of the room as Antonio walked forward pulling back the beaded curtain.

"Ah... velkommen, Antonio," Gilbert said.

"Gilbert, what the hell are you wearing on your head?" Antonio asked slightly annoyed.

"It's a turban, to fit my fortune telling room. Don't you like it?" Gilbert said with a sad face. "Anyway though, Lovino wanted me to give you this," He held out a small box. Antonio took it carefully.  
He opened it and saw a hershey kiss wrapped in a plain white wrapper, a knife, a box of matches, and another slip of paper: A kiss and I will surrender; the sharpest lives are the deadliest to lead. A light to burn all the empires... Antonio sighed,

"Thanks, Gil, any instructions upon where to go next? I've basically been on a scavenger hunt."

"Yeah, we were both instructed to go out and watch the play, but he wanted us to take this way," Gilbert stepped back and moved a small book case revealing a passageway. "Come on, seriously? Why does he insist upon screwing with me?" Antonio said walking into the passage behind Gilbert. "I don't know. Maybe he just does." They walked for a little and the tunnel shrunk forcing them to crawl. Eventually they made it to a small cavern filled with sun catchers and coffins.

"Ok, what the fuck?" Antonio was severely confused by now. He noticed a small slip of paper hanging off one of the sun catchers that happened to be shaped like a strait-jacket.'So bright the sun is ashamed to rise and be, in love with all of these vampires, so you can leave like the sane abandoned me.'

"Fuck... Gilbert, be ready to run," Antonio said as the first coffin creaked open followed by the others. Antonio and Gilbert started running as the vampires chased after them. They launched themselves out of the corridor into the back alley of the theater where there were UV lamps set up so the vampires couldn t come outside even with the rain. Antonio slammed the door shut as he panted attempting to catch his breath. "Let's get inside before more show up."  
_

As they walked inside the play hadn't started yet but everyone had turned into were-wolves. They stood as the music blaring in the theater suddenly turned off and a girl walked up on stage in a Juliet costume. "I love the beat and the lust it commands," she shouted as a werewolf half formed jumped onto the stage and appeared to stab her as he turned into a man in a Romeo costume. He dropped the knife he had been carrying and seemed to relish in the blood on his hands.

"Gilbert, what the hell is going on?" Antonio asked Gilbert who look as stunned as Antonio did.

"I have no idea, this is one fucked up play though," Gilbert spoke staring wide-eyed as the werewolves all started dancing and tearing apart Juliet s body. "Apparently it wasn t a play though. You really should get that boy's head checked," Gilbert said.

"I would, but that seems impossible considering the circumstances."

"KILL ME!" there was a loud cry from Romeo, who turned out to be Lovino. "Please kill me now," he begged the werewolves who looked puzzled at his random outburst.  
The were-wolves all shrugged and kept eating away at Juliet. "Come on guys, have you ever seen this play? She dies then I die, she comes back to life, kills herself. Sheesh."

"Lovino, what the fuck are you doing!" Antonio called from his place on the floor next to Gilbert who was still wearing his turban and had somehow managed to get popcorn to which he started snacking on. "Get your ass down here Lovi." Lovino hopped off the stage and straight into Antonio's arms.

"I just wanted to screw with your head a little, that's all." Lovino said smiling.

"Lovi... are you ok? You re smiling..." Antonio was extremely confused by now.

"Perfectly fine, now let s go home, I have a surprise for you." Lovino almost sang. 'Yep, he's lost it.' Antonio thought as he left Gilbert, turban and all, standing in the theatre and carried Lovino home"Okay we're here," Antonio set Lovino down on the couch and went to walk away before Lovino grabbed him by the waist and kissed him on the neck.

"You aren't getting away now," he cooed into Antonio's ear.

"Lovino, what the fuck is going on! You never do this!" Antonio basically shouted as Lovino nipped the base of his neck and began planting kisses all the way up to his ear.

"Give me a shot to remember, and you can take all the pain away from me. A kiss and I will surrender; the sharpest lives are the deadliest to lead, a light to burn all the empires, so bright the sun is ashamed to rise and be, in love with all of these vampires, so you can leave like the the sane abandoned me." Lovino sang between kissing Antonio who was now underneath him.

"OW!" Antonio yelled as Lovino bit his nipple through his shirt. "What the fuck, Lovi. Are you sure you're all right?" Lovino didn t reply just kept on singing as he continued to ravage Antonio until the sun came up. By then both were exhausted and fell asleep in a tangled mess on the couch. _

PLEASE DON'T HURT ME! i know it's crap but i was bored and home alone. please forgive me the shitty writing. I'm so sorry, i really know i should've been editing but i didnt want to because i wanted to write something crack-ish so please just dont kill me. here, you can have a cookie. 


End file.
